Where the fuck was I a year ago?
I decided to sign back into this little unread and unnoticed blog because I started listening to Q Lazerus ‘Goodbye Horses’ and it made me feel like writing again. I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t had very much to say. My strong opinions seems have to melted away into muddled, unintelligible little trickles of thought sometimes provoked into existence by the utter idiocy of my peers.
I feel very much like I am living in one of those indie films where the character seems to wander aimlessly from one mindlessly trivial situation to another. It seems that I have reached my future. The future in which I am employed in an okay job, in which I am partaking in an okay relationship and occupying myself with okay past times. I reread books and cycle around industrial estates trying to uncoil my ever increasingly jumbled thoughts and make sense of the unrelenting boredom which is intricately woven into my life. Increasingly, I find myself dissatisfied.
If seemingly unfettered access to social media sites has thought me anything it is that I am not alone in this feeling of contempt for the average. I trust that a lot of people are experiencing this and there is a sense of solidarity evoked when I come across someone who seems to echo my rarely vocalized question of ‘is this it?‘
The last blog post I started to write was entitled ‘Be happy, love yourself’ but lacked any content. I have no idea what I was going to say or what prompted me to choose that title. I’m not sure why I didn’t finish it. Perhaps, I was distracted by something exciting and chose to go live my life instead of write about feelings which will lose their significance once enough time passes. Or perhaps it was a futile attempt to write about that which I wished to experience and came to recognize it as the beginning of the descent in this apathetic present.
I wish someone would come along and soothe away the feelings of doubt and ponder with me about all the endless possibilities which lie ahead. I would like for someone to rekindle my excitement and make me wonder and question again. I feel like the world looks very small.
I feel like a book could do this. I just have to find it.