I’ve decided to stop being absolutely terrified of life. Of course, there’s very little in my life that is actually fear inducing. Or rather, it’s only fear inducing in a Western orientated, over-privileged, kinda way. My fears mostly correspond to feelings of social ineptitude or intelligence insecurity. If I were to be hit by bus tomorrow (actually my bus did hit a car today) all my little tiny feelings would be put into perspective and I’d have to recognise that the fear of losing one’s physical or mental capacity to live is a real fucking fear. So, being afraid of commitment starts to look a bit irrational and douche-y.
Well, today was my first day interning for this little ngo organisation I stumbled across, one proactive Tuesday, about three weeks ago. I remember that day well, I woke up feeling well rested. So I went to work, scooped some ice cream and then went to my local library because I felt that I was ready for my ‘life’ to begin. Whatever that means.
So anyway, next thing I know I’m interviewing for a role which requires a person willing to use their full brain capacity. And then they offer me the role. And, I’m supposed to just, you know, give up this flake-y, nocturnal existence which centers around excessive eating and partying. I had very little responsibilities, and even less to aspire to. I got to focus on myself and didn’t have to deal with any scary tension filled situations concerning a mistakenly dictated phone number. So, for a really long time, I was happy working in a job which required very little energy. There was, like, a zero likelihood of career progression. But, there was also no pressure. No one expected anything from me. I didn’t really care what my managers or co-workers thought of me because this is just a temporary gig. I felt okay about being inept at my crummy job because ineptitude is practically part of the job description.
Not that this internship is the bees knees. I mean, they’re not paying me or anything. But, jesus christ, did one of the guys impress the shit out of me today during my first meeting. Sometimes, you get used to people doing something well, patting themselves on the back and being satisfied that whatever they did worked well enough. But this guy, and this company, they want to help. They want to help in the best way and they want know if there are better ways to help. It’s been a while since I was around people with a vision I can get behind.
My favourite part was when they were talking about expenses and booking flights and stuff and looking out for the cheapest thing because they’re aware that the majority of the funding is supposed to be spent on the people they wish to help. Not on their own comfort.
So armed with optimism, I’m going to put aside my fear of failure and enjoy the shit out of working alongside inspiring people because I forgot this was an option. I know it’s what ngos should be like, but, they never are. I think, I stumbled across something here. I hope that I can appreciate it and not lose my shit completely. ‘Cause that would be embarrassing.